Vulnerability

“There is opportunity in vulnerability.”

That’s not an actual quote, it’s something I came up with in my head just right here on the train going home but I think it’s worth thinking about. I’ve been feeling a little vulnerable this week.

Things have been good, in fact, great, lately but I can feel the wave of mental health taking a slight downhill direction and I’m trying to clutch onto the rails to minimise collateral damage as much as I can.

My job is starting to get stressful, and whilst I absolutely love it, certain personalities are starting to come out of the woodwork and tension is heating up. We’re all adapting to stricter rules, longer hours, longer queues, so naturally, it’s getting a little tough. I’m wrecked every night and every morning (the number of times I’ve fallen asleep on the bus is embarrassing).

The exhaustion is peeping through in my relationships, friendships, and interactions with people. I’ve been desperately putting time and energy into the wrong people and not enough into the right ones.

Not to mention my income, health, family have all been sacrificed lately for the sake of “doing well” and now I have to pick up the remaining pieces. I feel as though a simple puff of wind could blow right through me and knock me over – in fact, Storm Doris tried to do that this morning. My eyes are heavy, my feet sore, and the hole in my chest even worse.

In other words, I feel a bit shit.

But what I have come to realise is that there is opportunity in vulnerability.

When I’m weary and low, I’m more likely see clearly what is working and what is not, what is too much for me to handle, what I can live and live without. I can indulge in my kind of TLC and regain the depleted energy I have invested over the last two months. Vulnerability gives you a chance to start again, a clean slate to rebuild and grow. It’s a bit like a flower. You bloom, you wilt, and with a little care and attention, you bloom again.

So for me, it’s getting to sleep early to stop feeling so exhausted, making a hair appointment so I feel a little bit more like myself again, leaving my face makeup free to let it heal and replenish itself, and then getting rid of grimey makeup and treating myself to something new to make me feel good. It’s dumping all the oversized itchy sweaters and worn out shoes. It’s writing about vulnerability to prove that what you see on social media is an accurate depiction of someone’s life. Remembering that my exhaustion can be a result of not drinking enough water, thus forcing myself to drink more. It’s realising that some things are not worth caring about and others most certainly are.

Feeling vulnerable is not pleasant and it’s easy to let your depressive emotions take advantage of it. We’re all guilty of thinking we’re not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, or cool enough. But my plan is to flip vulnerability on its head and turn it into a foundation for reinventing myself into being someone I’m proud to be.

I’ll let you know how I get on.

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